By Dan Savage - Oct. 31, 2024

I am a bisexualcis woman in my 40s. My boyfriend is a straight cis man in his 30s. I am open about fantasies and often think about sex even when we’re not “in the moment.” He says he doesn’t have any fantasies and doesn’t think about sex outside of the experience. 

I think it would keep things interesting if we could both explore our fantasies and talk more about it. Our NRE won’t last forever.

— The Big Reveal

Either your BF is an outlier, or he’s not being entirely honest with you about how often he thinks about sex and/or what he thinks about when he’s thinking about sex. He could worry his sexual fantasies might repulse you, TBR, and not because they’re repulsive — although they might be (some are!) — but because he may have shared his sexual fantasies with a previous partner who reacted badly. 

That said, it’s possible your boyfriend is one of those rare guys who is completely vanilla, TBR, and all of his sexual needs are being met in your relationship. Why not err on the side of taking him at his word? You’re setting a good example for him by sharing your fantasies, TBR, and you can and should remind him once in a while — every couple of months or so — that you’re ready, willing and able to return the favor if he has a sexual fantasy you can reasonably indulge. 

I’m a 40-year-oldcishet male, or at least I have been so far. I was in a very long-term relationship for most of my adult life, which ended just recently, and I find myself wanting different things out of sex nowadays. 

Specifically, I would like to try a more submissive role, and increasingly I don’t really care what gender the other person is. I’m learning that I’m quite attracted to twinks, femboys and trans men, as well as women. I’m interested in exploring this attraction, but I have NO idea how to get back into the cishet dating/casual sex scene, much less the LBGTQ+ dating scene. Any advice?

— Branching Out Now

For better or worse, BON, most people — cishet or queer — meet their new sex partners and/or life partners online. So, take some accurate pics, download some apps and put yourself out there. And if you’re interested in experimenting with twinks, femboys and trans men, you’re free to get onto hookup apps and dating websites that serve the LGBTQIA+ community. 

Remember: the “Q” in LGBTQ+ doesn’t just stand for “queer,” BON, it also stands for “questioning,” which is what it sounds like you’ve been doing lately. So long as you’re respectful and honest about who you are and what you’re looking for, BON, you aren’t violating anyone by getting on the apps. And trust me: There are twinks and femboys and trans men out there who are up for being a “straight” guy’s first queer experience.

When it comes to sex and dating, no one knows what they’re doing until they do it a few times. Like everyone else who’s ever gotten a dating or hookup app, BON, you’ll learn. But there’s no learning without doing. 

Email your question for the column to [email protected] or  record your question for the Savage Lovecast at savage.love/askdan. Read more Savage Love from Boulder Weekly

Jul. 2, 2025

We were deep into talking politics and music when I glanced at our table at Cirrus Social Club and noticed the tall glass bong sitting next to the caprese toast and a glass of sparkling water. I had ...

Jun. 26, 2025

I’m going through a divorce and connected with a long-ago boyfriend in a similar boat. We started a long-distance relationship and were fairly serious.  His particular kink is he wants his part...

Jun. 26, 2025

ARIES (March 21-April 19): The Hawaiian word pō refers to a primal darkness from which all life flows. It’s not a fearsome void, but a fertile mystery, rich with future possibilities and the ances...

Jun. 17, 2024@10:56pm

So-called “dark money” has entered the…

Jun. 12, 2024@10:13pm

Picture in your mind’s eye the…

Jun. 12, 2024@9:29pm

Movement Workshop6:30-7:30 p.m. Thursday, June 13,…