After 19 years together, my husband and I have finally managed to have a really good conversation about our desires; specifically, what porn he likes. Turns out he’s into these coercive type scenes, things like, “You can’t make rent? Let me fuck you and we will call it even!” type stuff. 

He says it’s about the power exchange. That sounds hot as hell to me, but we have a few issues:

1. He doesn’t find the idea of treating me badly hot.

2. Neither of us enjoys role play. 

Is there anything we can do with this dynamic? 

— Recently Exploring New Things

“It takes a lot of guts to express a new sexual desire 19 years in, and I want to congratulate them for putting it all out in the open,” said Claire Perelman, a licensed therapist who works with couples seeking to improve their sexual connections. 

You now know about your husband’s kinks (does he know about yours?) — but this is a fantasy scenario that can be ethically explored only through role play, which you don’t enjoy. So, where do you go from here?

“When engaging in kink, it’s helpful to understand what about the kink excites you,” said Claire. “RENT’s husband identified that it’s about the power exchange. There’s lots of ways to play with power dynamics outside of role play, degradation and humiliation” — like watching porn together or making sex transactional: He or you only get sex if you perform certain non-sexual tasks first.  

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I’m a 28-year-old woman who reads your column out loud every week with my 24-year-old hottie Italian boyfriend. 

I love to be tied, and my vanilla boyfriend encourages me to get that need met in our rope community. 

I want my boyfriend to get suspended with me sometime! While I engage in some light sexual play with the men who tie me, bondage doesn’t have to be sexual! Which means, my boyfriend doesn’t have to pretend it’s a turn on for him or do anything sexual if he were to get tied with me. 

He says he’s “indifferent, not opposed,” and would do it if you told him to! Dan, please tell him to!

— Boyfriend Only Needs Dan Amazingly Gentle Encouragement

I think your boyfriend should get suspended with you, BONDAGE. But you have to promise that you won’t try to initiate anything sexual. Even if you think your boyfriend is aroused. You will also make sure the person doing the tying understands that this is a non-sexual/non-sensual session, which means no avoidable touching in your swimsuit areas and no suggestive banter. 

You’re clearly hoping your boyfriend might find that he enjoys bondage in the same way you do, BONDAGE. But if you initiate something sexual the first time, he may wind up feeling manipulated and/or violated after it’s over, and there won’t be a second time.

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I was on the verge of having an affair. But he got cold feet, as he didn’t want to cheat on his wife. We gave up our dream of being together and settled into being close friends. 

I’ve been caregiving for a partner who is very ill. I love him, but he’s not the person anymore, mentally or physically, that I first fell in love with. I can’t leave him. He needs me. But I have needs, too. 

I sometimes fantasize about this friend, who won’t be leaving his spouse, either. But I desperately want to fantasize together again, even if we still never act on it. How do we go back there in a way where we don’t act on it, don’t feel guilty, but can at least have some happiness in our otherwise dreary lives?

— One Often Frustrated Dreamer Asks

You can go back there, OOFDA … you just can’t go back with your married friend. But there is good news: It’s not hard to find people online who are already sharing stories and fantasies about the lives they wish they were leading, OOFDA, and some of these people would love to engage with you.

Start writing your dreams down, find a place to post your dreams, and it won’t be long before someone comes along who shares your dreams. 

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