By Dan Savage - Oct. 3, 2024

Unless becoming a nullo is something you’ve always wanted to do for you, it’s not something you should do for 'love.'

Quick and dirty question for you about online dating: What’s the best next step after texting? Audio message? Phone call? Video date? Or a quick, in-person meet-up?

I recommend a quick video call before that first brief, in-person meeting in a public place. If someone isn’t willing to jump on FaceTime to confirm their photos are current and they’re not a fake, a flake or a chatbot, they don’t deserve the pleasure of your company.

Help! I keep falling in love! With every female friend I have!

Maybe! You should stop! Using your dick! As a divining rod! To pick female friends!

We used to talk, my boyfriend and me. We used to share everything. Now I can barely get him to talk to me, to share things with me, to spend time with me. The more I ask him to spend time with me to talk and share, the more withdrawn he becomes. And forget about sex. How can I get our intimacy back?

You can only ask — and you have asked repeatedly, and it sounds like the answer to all three asks (talk, share, fuck) is “no.” So, time to go.

Which is better: wrist cuffs or handcuffs?

By “handcuffs,” you obviously mean steel law-enforcement-style restraints that snap around wrists. By wrist cuffs, I’m assuming you mean wide and ideally padded leather restraints that buckle around wrists. Handcuffs are effective, but they’re not comfortable or safe for play: If they twist, they can do nerve or bone damage. And while some kinksters find the “law enforcement” vibes arousing, others are turned off by them. Leather wrist restraints, on the other hand, are far safer and far more comfortable for play and longer-term wear, and they give “depraved pervert” vibes, which many kinksters prefer.

I feel creeped out when a man refers to me as his “lover.” It makes me feel like Bill Murray in Ghostbusters: “I’ve been slimed!” Hearing that word applied to me makes me want to jump in the shower. But I don’t say anything because I know it’s supposed to be a compliment. What’s wrong with me?

Nothing. Lots of people have aversions to certain words — words that trigger feelings of irrational disgust — and “lover” triggers you the way moist, loins, panties, phlegm and sputum trigger others. Personally, I always hated the word “nipple” when applied to me, so I was delighted when gay men started using “tits” a decade or two ago. (They don’t give milk, but they’re still tits — decommissioned tits, tits in drydock, but tits.) Some possible alternatives for “lover” that your lovers could use when referring to you (offered in ascending order of emotional importance): cumdump, fuckbuddy, friend-with-benefits, significant other, boyfriend/girlfriend/enbyfriend, fiancé/fiancée/intended, husband/wife/spouse.

I am going to the Dominican Republic with my boyfriend for our anniversary. He is quite well endowed, and he wants to top me. How can I be a good bottom and anally douche in a country where the tap water is not drinkable?

They sell bottled water in the Dominican Republic — I checked — and as anyone who has ever left their douche bulb at home and had to improvise on the road knows, a squeezable plastic water bottle doubles as a douche bulb in a pinch.

I want you to put me in touch with the man who wants a submissive boyfriend willing to make the ultimate sacrifice for him and have his genitals removed. I would do anything to have a boyfriend, even if it meant making that sacrifice. Please send him my email address.

I am not allowed to put my readers in touch with each other — per my lawyer’s advice — but I can’t stop my readers from sliding into the comment thread for a particular column or podcast in the hopes of catching the attention of a particular letter writer or caller. But before you do anything rash: Desperation is unattractive, and I don’t think anything shouts “desperate” quite so loudly as, “I will cut off my cock and balls to land a boyfriend.” Boyfriends are great — I’m a big fan of mine — but unless becoming a nullo is something you’ve always wanted to do for you, it’s not something you should do for “love.”

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