By Dan Savage - Feb. 20, 2025

A pestle lodged in a patient's rectum. Courtesy: radiopaedia.org

Do you think that medical professionals posting memes/photos of “foreign objects in the rectum” is kink shaming?

If losing a lightbulb in your ass and winding up in the ER is your kink, the medical professionals who have to fish out that light bulb have every right to kink shame your ass.

I've been lonely in my marriage longer than I can remember, and I’ve found an exquisite lover. My lover is in a similar situation. I've always admired and learned from your caring common sense, and I'd like to know if you might recommend therapy to help me figure out how to live from here on.

“Like this letter writer, I came alive in the throes of an affair,” said Rebecca Woolf, author and essayist. “So, while I think therapy might benefit her, it sounds like this affair has been more therapeutic than anything else could possibly be. So, to the letter writer I would say this: your pleasure, your vitality, your life force matters — as does its relationship to your loneliness. If you choose to work with a therapist to help you navigate this moment, please make sure you find someone who will validate your exploration as well as your departure from the loneliness you have felt in your marriage.”

How can I have sex when my 18-year-old stepdaughter is home? It makes my boyfriend uneasy!

Instead of going without when your stepdaughter is around, why not go and get in your car or go lock yourself in the bathroom of a sleazy bar and have sex there? Then instead of resenting your boyfriend’s daughter for preventing you from having sex, you’ll be grateful to this kid — secretly grateful — for all the exciting, crazy, adventurous sex you’re having all over town with her dad.

What’s the best way to let a new partner know I’m inexperienced in the bedroom?

You can show ‘em or you can tell ‘em. And since there’s nothing more deflating than the look on someone’s face as they slowly realize you don’t know what you’re doing, telling is by far the better choice. Remember: Low expectations are easily exceeded.

My boyfriend expressed interest in butt stuff while drunk but denied it when sober. Should I drop it?

Make sure there’s always beer in the fridge and trust that your boyfriend will bring up butt stuff when he’s ready/drunk.

Wife and I have been poly for about four months now. She doesn’t want to meet my new partner. Help!

Help for Wife: You’re under no obligation to meet your husband’s new partner — and that goes double if you’re poly under duress. When you’re ready to meet your husband’s new partner, you can. If you’re never ready to meet her, you don’t have to.

Help for Husband: If your new partner is giving you grief because she hasn’t met your wife yet, your new partner — consciously or subconsciously — is trying to sabotage your marriage.

Help for New Partner: If you’re demanding to meet with your new partner’s wife before she’s ready, you need to drop it. If your new partner is trying to force this meeting on his wife, you need to drop him.

Email your question for the column to [email protected] or record your question for the Savage Lovecast at savage.love/askdan. Read more Savage Love

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