My partner and I have been together almost 2 years, and have discussed interest in many versions of ENM. Recently a close friend of mine expressed interest in me. The longer term partner we can refer to as Tom and the close friend can be Abbi.

Tom has explained outside of sexual encounters they don’t feel the want for any other form of relationship outside of me. Abbi had not expressed any feelings or interests towards my original partner, outside of asking the extent of his interest. The original conversation Abbi and I had, was that we were going to start dating slowly. Neither of us are poly experienced and she's had never had a relationship with a woman.

Tom expressed some insecurity about my best friend being my first partner outside of the relationship, and asked that we all three discuss together our boundaries and expectations in person. It’s very normal for Abbi and I have to sleepovers, and Tom offered to host the night we were having our boundary setting discussion.

I did not expect nor want to do anything past flirting. I expressly told them I didn’t want them to have a relationship while I was still starting a brand new one with Abbi, and Tom claimed he understood and had no interest in any sexual or romantic interaction between them until much later, after I was more stable with Abbi, with even a verbal confirmation between the two the day everything happened that they were only friends.

Later that night, Tom offered Abbi and me the bed to watch movies in as he went to sleep early, but a few hours later he awoke and insisted on sleeping in the bed with us. The floor was uncomfortable and the other rooms have large windows facing the street that scare him. (When I asked about this later, he tried to explain that he woke up incredibly lonely and heard us flirting and was overcome with jealousy. I don’t think it changes much, but I’m empathetic.) I had a hard time firmly saying I didn’t want him to, but I feel I was pushing back and offering other solutions, while Abbi insisted it was okay for Tom to join us in bed and even went as far as to insist they didn’t want Tom sleeping on the floor.

I didn’t say anything after that and as we cuddled everyone was getting handsy. I couldn’t verbalize in the moment that I was uncomfortable, and things progressed. I do admit I was aroused and feel like I betrayed myself. The next day I told them each that I wasn’t comfortable and couldn’t say it in the moment; but I hadn’t wanted to have sex with anyone and I didn’t want them to be sexually interacting together. A few hours after this conversation, we had sex again. And I completely shut down this time. I didn’t talk at all and was just going along with things because I felt I had already said no, so it wouldn’t matter if I said it again. I was able to verbally express to them I didn’t want penetrative sex happening between any of us. At the height of things, Abbi says she doesn’t care what we end up doing, but she needs penetration.

Both of them look at me and Tom doesn’t say anything to back up what I said at the start of the event, and I feel my only solution is to offer I use one of my toys on her or they were going to have sex anyways. I feel the height of the emotional betrayal I'm feeling was watching them start kissing, and then for him to orgasm while laying next to her. In our two years together, no matter how much I’ve tried, or how many different things we try, he has never orgasmed. And because I was shut down I wasn’t a part of it. She held him and licked him clean after.

I completely broke down that night when she went home and Tom spent two days with me while I cried and couldn’t sleep or eat, trying to comfort me. But when the three of us were together to talk about things again, I was told that I hadn’t communicated clearly. I have a notes page in my phone and a physical notebook that Tom and I used together to very clearly map out our expectations of each other, I’m confused how I didn’t clearly communicate.

They hadn’t mean to hurt me, but they both had no problem with what happened and that they had different expectations than I had, with Abbi even saying that she thought we had wanted a third. I thought she wanted to date me because she had feelings for me. We had specifically talked about going on dates and having a three month time period before dating officially.

I’m struggling with feeling anger and betrayal. I don’t know if I’m really processing this as cheating or assault. I know that I have always had a hard time saying no to sexual advances in the moment due to past traumas, which is something I’ve discussed with Tom many times in the past. He also has sexual trauma and said that he also has a hard time placing boundaries during sex, and that he genuinely thought I had changed my mind and wanted things to progress. He said that he orgasmed because he like watching me dominate other people, not because there was anything emotional between him and Abbi.

I have struggled with insecurity between these two in the past, with small jokes making me question whether they were intimate before Abbi introduced me to Tom but they say there was never anything between them, and the sex was just a fun thing they thought we were all enjoying.

I really care for both of these people, and I’m desperately trying to see things fairly. I know this was really the worst way to try and jump into something like a poly relationship, but this isn’t what I had planned either. I thought I had set the rules and the conversations and everyone knew where we stood. and I feel like even though I did so much excessive research it still didn’t make up for their lack of research.

When I tried to express how I was feeling a type of cheating betrayal, Tom explained that he hadn’t thought there was such a thing as cheating in poly. I also am physically feeling like I was coerced, but I’ve never known these people to hurt anyone intentionally, and I know that things are always very complicated even when done perfectly. They both agreed to any new boundaries I’ve placed and want to work to fix things, my long term partner will be starting couples counseling with me and has promised that he will never hurt me in this way again. He said at the end of the day he got excited and in the moment he cared more about feeling good than what I was feeling.

It’s hard to hold space for what I’m feeling when I can see genuinely how much he regrets everything and how much they care for me. I guess I’m looking for advice on dealing with what I’m feeling, and if anyone has similar experiences they were able to positively learn from and move past in their relationships. Losing these people feels like setting my life on fire.