Hello Fruitkitty,

I don't know if this will help you, but I have some links to resources for how to handle/reduce jealousy:

• Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
• "First Aid" for Jealousy
• Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, etc.
• Understanding jealousy
• How do you achieve compersion?
• Jealousy and Insecurity
• The Theory of Jealousy Management
• The Practice of Jealousy Management
• 50 Ways to Handle Jealousy, Part 1
• 50 Ways to Handle Jealousy, Part 2
• Teal Swan: Jealousy and Envy
• Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

You do need to probe yourself more, to identify exactly what is prompting the jealousy, if it would help you can post more about it on this thread.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

I am extremely possessive . . . I allowed her to . . .

You allowed her? No. She is her own person and ultimately does what she wants to do. What you did allow is for yourself to be in a polyamorous arrangement. You did not have to accept it and could have left the relationship.

You have no ownership or control over what she does with her life or her body, no matter what your agreements are (unless it's a 24/7 kink kind of thing). She is an autonomous being, not a possession who needs your permission to do what she wants to do.

Therefore, I would say that the first thing you should do is examine this possessive tendency of yours and let go of the mindset that you own her. You do not. That kind of mindset causes grief for both of you. You would not feel so tormented, angst-ridden, or betrayed by her involvement with others if you could realize that whatever she does with her life and whoever she wants in her life is not up to you. What you are in charge of is your inner life, your well-being, your state of mind, your beliefs, your choices, your insecurities, and your needs, not her behavior. What do you want from life and from your relationships? Start by looking inward, examining your beliefs and expectations, and then establish personal boundaries for yourself.

With the time I don't get anymore with the kind of affection that I feel like I don't get as much as other people.
I am constantly bombarded with all the what ifs there are.
I am stuck in the past and our promised forever exclusivity and being only hers and her only being mine.
But life moved on with me standing still.
This is not the same relationship it was and it isn't the same structure it once was.
But i dont know how to move on from what once was.

I understand. You find yourself stuck in constantly comparing what is now with what was then, and what other people "get" from K versus what you get from her, and likely wishing it would all go back to what was. But it cannot. It's a whole new ball game now. You have to accept that.

What it takes to move on is to acknowledge your grief over the loss of what was, and then get yourself out of your own head by focusing on today. Occupy yourself with what needs to be done today, this hour, this minute—even the smallest things—so that you can stop paying attention to that noise in your head. It will quiet down eventually.

Also, another good exercise is to make a gratitude list each day. It's something that a lot of people do at bedtime. Grab a notebook and focus on the positive things that happened that day, and any good feelings that came up, and write down everything you are grateful for before you go to sleep. If negative thoughts or uncomfortable feelings come up, acknowledge them but do not dwell on them or write them down. Keep focusing on the things that make you feel grateful. It doesn't have to be all relationship stuff, either.

Here's an example: I've been recovering from an ankle fracture since the end of June. It really sucks because I had a full calendar of fun things planned for July and August and had to cancel everything just to sit here with my foot up most of the time. I could focus on and be miserable about all the stuff I missed out on, and the fact that the air cast/boot I've been wearing has been pretty unbearable in the terrible heat we've had all summer. But I am grateful that it was a minor fracture that didn't need surgery, that it happened on my left foot so I could still drive, that my insurance covered everything, and that it didn't happen in the winter with ice and snow on the ground. When I notice my thoughts have drifted over to what I missed out on, I shift my focus on those things I'm grateful for.

You find the good stuff that is right in front of you, and when your mind wanders to the past or to the feelings of being left out or missing how it was, you steer your thoughts back to the present and everything that is good about your life right now. Even if you can only think of one good thing, it's better to focus on that than the thoughts that torment you. Eventually, when it's not so raw, you can talk to your partner about what you're going through without sounding accusatory or like you're being victimized (I'm not saying you're doing that, but it's easy to come across as blaming if one hasn't worked though the stuff first). You can get through this.

I am willing to change myself willing to fix myself for this person

This is not the correct mindset .
It should be,
"I am willing to change myself willing to improve myself for myself"

Then let the side effects or consequences be what they may.

How do others in my position deal with this?

Oh usually pretty poorly, I sometimes let anxiety control my imagination and end up in a downward spiral.
But then I do something basically the opposite of the gratitude list. I do write down all the negative things, and then I wait a while and read it back.
Text is the clearest mirror I have ever gazed into and can really help me see and isolate core issues or identify patterns, that helps me determine how and what needs to be communicated.

If you have been miserable for an entire year then something is not being communicated on one end or understood on the other end.

I (23F) have been in a relationship with lets call her K (28F) for about 4 years.

So you started dating her when you were only 19. She was 24. This is a time of rapid change. Sometimes people commit this young, but then find the commitment restricting as they mature.

About a year ago, K expressed wanting to potentially add a third to the relationship. The idea intrigued me... it's not really for me, though. I am extremely possessive over her, and uncomfortable with giving myself to anyone else.

Trying to create a triad is the hardest way to do polyamory. It's common for couples to think this way makes the most sense, but actually dating separately is easier. However, you are mono, so you've ended up in a sort of poly/mono relationship.

In order for K to have her needs met, I allowed her to pretty much do her thing. I made that decision based on us wanting to spend life with each other, but her wanting experiences outside of me, while still being young enough to do so, and me not wanting her to have regrets in life.

At your young age, you are looking ahead to, perhaps, marriage, kids and growing old with K. So you're "letting her sow her wild oats" now, before you're ready to fully settle down and start a family?

This has been going on for the last year. I have been increasingly doing worse and worse. I don't know what to do. I am unable to enjoy day to day life. All K is doing, after multiple failed relationships, is getting sexual attention from others online.

I am just wondering if K is dating/cybering with men, or if you are both lesbians? This can be a hard factor in same-sex relationships.

It sounds like you are depressed because your partner is polyamorous or polysexual, and spending a lot of time, more than you'd like, on relating to other people.

I don't understand why I am struggling so much with this, but the jealousy and insecurity is eating me alive.

How do others in my position deal with this?

How do I look past her needs for other's attention so I can enjoy every day life with her again?

You can just "look past it," like an ostrich with its head in the sand. (Ostriches don't really do this, but it's an apt metaphor.) You have to face it head on.

She tells me she loves me, and I believe her. She tells me she is still attracted to me. I try my best to believe it, but I'm struggling with that, too.

You just might not want a polyamorous or polysexual partner. It makes you feel unloved. Maybe you'd prefer a mono partner. And that's okay. I don't think you can just assume this online sexing is something Kay needs to get out of her system, and then she might settle down and be mono with you. Some people seem to be "hardwired" to be poly, and are that way for life.

I most certainly left out so much information that is needed and I am happy to provide more when asked.

If you are very depressed, I'd recommend telling K you can't take this anymore. Be honest. You can love each other and still realize you are incompatible long-term. That's the kind of thing dating is for.

I'm sorry it's hard, but glad you came here for support. There are lots of great experienced people here, who will hopefully give you some ideas. Start reading threads. Look at the resources in our Golden Nuggets section too.