By Jirair Tutunjian, Toronto, 2 July 2026

Prior to recognizing the Genocide of Armenians, Benyamin Netanyahu invited to his office Dr. Yehuda ben-Shapira, Israel’s top expert of alternate history, kabalistic interpretation of DNA, and esoteric religions’ impact on the Abrahamic religions.

BN: It’s a great occasion to meet a great man like you, Doctor ben-Shapira. Please, pick a chair. You have a unique historic opportunity to rescue the reputation of Eretz Israel and elevate our image in a racist, jealous, and hostile world.

DR: I am all ears.

BN:: In a week, I plan to announce Israel’s recognition of the Armenian Genocide. We expect naysayers, gossip mongers, and our traditional anti-Semitic enemies to say the recognition comes very late and is intended to hurt Turkey rather than support Armenians’ just cause.

I would like you to delve into our ancient books and manuscripts to provide long-time affinities between us and the Armenians so that I might announce the recognition as an honest gesture to an old friend. That way the practitioners of blood libel will not be to claim our genocide recognition is primarily meant to hurt Turkey…Turkiyey…Turkyea…whatever Erdogan calls that blood-soaked land these days.

DR: But you had all the time in the world to recognize the Armenian Genocide. Why now?

BN: That’s where you come in. I want you to dive into your esoteric manuscripts and unearth the millennial ties of friendship between us and the Armenians. You have one week to compile what I am looking for. If you deliver what I need, you will be promoted and get a raise. In addition, we will pay for a week of vacation for you at the French Esoteric Institute on the Riviera.

A week later, Dr. ben-Shapira returned. He is carrying reams of yellowing manuscripts and thick tomes written by medieval scholars such as Judah ibn Gabriol, Solomon Hevron, Philo Ben-Sira and other mavens of alternate history.

BN: Well? Did you find what I want?

DR: I think I have dug up interesting facts which should be useful to you.

BN: Let’s hear it.

DR: More than two millennia ago, our historical geography experts and mapmakers reported that the biggest Armenian province was Azkazounian.  The first three letters mean nation in Armenian. The people of Azkazounian eventually moved to Europe where they changed their name to Ashkenazi. That’s the first link between us and the Armenians.

BN: Excellent. Keep it up.

DR: You might know that nearly a century before the birth of Yoshua, King Dikran the Great of Armenia took thousands of captive Jews to Armenia. They were given free land. There were towns which were wholly Jewish. In time, these Jews became a powerful presence and were known as the Pakradouni principality. They played a vital role in the defense of Armenia.

Intermarriage was common between Jews and Armenians. This tradition continues. The world chess champion Tigran Petrosian’s wife was Rona Avinezer. She was a Jew. The wife of Prime Minster Levon Ter-Petrosian is Lyudmilla who is also Jewish. Ruben Vardanian’s wife is Veronica Zonabend. She, too, is Jewish. Chess champion Mikhail Botvinnik’s wife was Gayane….

BN: Wow. This is wonderful. What else did you unearth?

DR: In Ancient Esoteric Compendium by Prof. Shlomo ben-Sharon we learn that a barbarian horde called Turkess was related to the accursed Amaleks. Thus, a case can be made that the Israeli-Turkish hostility goes back centuries. The Turks are the Amaleks.

BN: This is incredible. I will double your bonus. Since the Turks are the Amaleks, we can justify an attack on Erdoland. We will have the sacred Tanach as our justification. Yes, yes, now we can begin preparing for war with the grandchildren of the fat and drunkard sultans.

DR: There’s more. It’s no accident that Jews and Armenians have prominent noses. That, too, confirms our millennia-old association. Like us, Armenians are adept in commerce.

BN: You’ve done an amazing job. When we take Istanbul, you will be my guest at the best Bosporus kebab restaurant. Pure raki will flow. On your way out, please fetch my secretaries.

Come in, come in, ladies. Listen to me. Contact all the members of my cabinet and tell my ministers to meet me in the War Room at 6 tonight. Get half-a-dozen maps of the Eastern Mediterranean and several detailed maps of Israel, the West Bank, and Gaza. Hang them in the War Room.

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