Sadie, 38

double quotation markWhen he suggested we stop seeing each other because he developed feelings for me, I told him: ‘This is too special to give up’

Jonathan and I met because I was dating his wife, Leonie. Leonie and Jon are polyamorous, and while she and I were dating, she told me that Jon and I would be more sexually compatible. When she ended it, saying we’d be better off as friends, I didn’t want to lose either of them so I kept meeting them as friends. A month later, drinking in a hammock looking at the stars, Jon and I kissed for the first time. Leonie teased: “I told you, I saw this coming.”

We took it slow, and didn’t have sex for four months. When Jon developed feelings for me, he worried about ruining the dynamic between the three of us, and suggested we stop seeing each other, but I told him: “This is too special to give up.”

The night we became boyfriend and girlfriend and said “I love you” for the first time, I gave Jon a spreadsheet. It contained 100 things we’d both said yes or maybe to, such as having sex in a carwash. Sploshing (food play) was in there too, so Jon used me as a charcuterie board.

Leonie and I say we have joint custody of Jon, but we have a relationship that exists outside him. I’m not sexual with Leonie, but I am committed to her. We’re each other’s emergency contacts – the first person we’d call in a crisis. We garden and cook, and when all of us are together we’re like a little family. It’s not always easy – I’ve felt jealous, and there were times early on when I wasn’t sure of my place or what I was allowed to ask for. Jon would say yes to plans with me, then realise he’d already promised that time to Leonie. But even when it’s hard, it’s better than any of my previous relationships.

We’ve discussed all living at the same property one day, but right now I live four blocks away and that suits me. If I want to date and have sex with other people I can, but it doesn’t happen often, and I’m only in love with Jon. One relationship is enough for me.

I like to call myself a side-piece because it sounds sexy and dangerous but Jon always corrects me: “You’re not a side piece. You’re a core member of this dynamic.”

Jonathan, 44

double quotation markWhen I decided to pause our relationship, Sadie said it was like trying to put toothpaste back in the tube

Falling in love with Sadie frightened me. When Leonie had fallen in love with someone else years before, I struggled – I was comfortable having casual sex with other people, but love felt threatening. By the time Sadie came into our lives, I wasn’t afraid of jealousy any more. I was afraid of being a bad boyfriend, of letting Sadie down and damaging her relationship with Leonie.

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Leonie met Sadie on a dating app. When she started coming over to the house, I could tell that she only had eyes for Leonie. I was background furniture and felt like a third wheel. But unbeknownst to me, Leonie had been telling Sadie that she thought we’d be a better match. Then one night we made out. When we eventually had sex, the chemistry was so strong we orgasmed at the same time.

When feelings of love started coming up, I tried to suppress them. I work full-time, I’m in another relationship, I have hobbies, a dog and a garden to look after … What if I couldn’t commit in the way I wanted to? When I decided to pause our relationship, Sadie said it would be like trying to put toothpaste back in the tube. We’d already developed feelings and become more than friends with benefits – it was too late to undo.

The spreadsheet (or Project 69 as we call it) isn’t just about sex. It’s about discovering new things about ourselves and each other. For example, I never knew I was into “confusing sexy” (like Sadie dressing up as the Grinch) or that I could be so playful in bed. Project 69 helps us to be curious and plan moments of novelty.

People assume I’m leading these relationships, but it’s the women in the driving seat. They’re strong, funny, smart and opinionated; they hold me to account. The three of us are a team. I’m so lucky to have two wonderful women who love me, but the reason it works so well is because they also love each other.