Dear Jane,

I started seeing my girlfriend a few months ago and, after the first couple of dates, she revealed to me that she is polyamorous and asked if I would be comfortable being one of her 'many' boyfriends.

She said that it has nothing to do with me, but rather that she simply enjoys dating more than one man and can't be monogamous because she falls in love with multiple people simultaneously.

Honestly, I was hesitant about it and certain I'd feel jealous. But I really liked her, so I agreed reluctantly.

The first few weeks were great. She never mentioned the other guys, and I showered her in gifts, took her out to nice dinners and worked on building our relationship. I think deep down I was trying to convince her that I was the only one she needed.

Admittedly, I was falling in love with her. And she said she was falling for me, too.

But one night, I was out with my friends and ran into her at the bar - with one of her other boyfriends.

I didn't think that it was going to bother me so much but seeing them together made me seethe with jealousy.

And it made me question whether she even liked me as much as she said she did. 

The next time I saw her, the only thing I could think about was her other boyfriends - even when we were in bed together. It was the biggest turn off.

I know this is what I signed up for - I'm just not sure I can put up with it. But the thought of breaking up makes me incredibly sad.

Sincerely,

Three's a Crowd

Dear Three’s a Crowd,

I think you know that, subconsciously, this wasn't truly what you signed up for - part of you hoped that you would be special, and that she would end up choosing you.

As heartbreaking as this may be to hear, we cannot change people. 

Trying to be a person we are not, or trying to accept things that we ordinarily find unacceptable, is not the path to a good relationship. 

The only way forward is to tell her that you thought you would be able to do this, but now realize that you aren’t built for polyamory.

You were secretly hoping she would choose you and would like an exclusive relationship with her.

While frighteningly vulnerable, your openness and honesty will allow her to make a choice. 

If she decides to give monogamy a shot, then bravo to you. If she decides that she isn’t willing to give up on polyamory, then I promise you, she isn’t the right woman for you.

Because if you only want a relationship with one woman who has no other partners, then the best thing to do is wait for someone who wants the same thing.