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СпутникиРНSpaceXРоскосмосNASATell Me About It: What happened to spending half the day in bed, eating chocolate, wine and olives?
My partner has become obsessed with the “health optimisation” culture, and it has taken all the joy out of our life.
He is monitoring his sleep score, his steps, his fibre intake, etc. It has taken over his life. I used to enjoy hanging out with this person, but he has become a “dry shite” and I am becoming a critic and a nag. He won’t stay out late or go to a gig in case it affects his sleep score. We can’t go out to dinner unless it is a health food restaurant, and he does not stay in bed in the morning because he has to get his step score in, which means little romance.
What happened to spending half the day in bed, eating chocolate, wine and olives? He buys tight black t-shirts and spends a lot of time admiring himself in front of the mirror – I think he thinks I should be lucky to be with him and I know he thinks I am slovenly. He disapproves of my second glass of wine and gets anxious if we stay after 10pm at a party or a wedding.
I seem to have lost the funny, cute and affectionate man I fell in love with, and I am left with a caricature. Is this just the culture, as I see other men going this way, so maybe there isn’t someone better for me out there? But I am bored to death with the self-obsession, and it drives me to want anything that is not contained or measured. I feel like I might burst or do something completely wild, but I know that this can be self-destructive – what to do?
The focus on health is, in itself, a good thing, and for many people health apps are a good motivator. However, for your partner, the whole health drive seems to have become an obsession.
Sometimes, people can do a complete 180-degree turn on something and, for example, go from a poor diet to a strict one in a short amount of time. The thing to understand is that this new change in your partner’s behaviour may also be subject to shifting focus and may change too, if you can have patience to wait it out.
Can you attempt to make sense of his behaviour so you can intervene or at least decide on your own response?
Does he have obsessive tendencies? Has he obsessed over things before, and did the obsession persist or fade over time?
Or is it possible that your partner is insecure and is trying to be the kind of man he thinks is the best model for our time? A taut body and a disciplined lifestyle are much more visible in the media, and the culture approves and supports this to the extent that he may be measuring himself against the “perfect” image. However, you know him differently (from the earlier part of your relationship), and this part of him cannot have disappeared. However, if you want to unearth the latent personality of the person you enjoyed hanging around with, he will need to trust you.
[ What ‘smart’ watches get wrong and right when tracking the quality of your sleepOpens in new window ]
You say you are critical and nagging and this probably drives his behaviour into even more perfectionist patterns as he tries to cope with disapproval. If you want to give this relationship a chance, you might consider the circumstances that are likely to foster lightness, romance and expansion in alternate ways.
Your partner may be spending a lot of time in the gym or online with people on a similar path, and it might be worth extending your social lives so there are other influences to complement the fitness/health one.
What other interests does he have and can you include these in your lives?
It seems that what you want is the opposite of what he currently values, so perhaps you too need to adjust your lifestyle so that both of you open up to new things. You say you are worried you will go a bit wild, so maybe find something that is challenging for you and, if possible, seek this out together – perhaps something demanding or an activity that has some pluses for your partner also. Couples often realise after an initial period of intense togetherness that they have different needs, so their lives need to both diverge and connect. This can feel disappointing if the expectation is of full coupledom and doing everything together. It requires maturity to understand that the couple needs to support individual paths and what fulfils one person does not necessarily work for the other.
If you two can build enough trust, you may find some of your social needs met by other friends, but this will only work if the intimacy and romance between you are solid. Your ways of showing affection and closeness may need to evolve beyond late mornings in bed, and this will take effort and vulnerability from both of you to figure out.
If this relationship is to have a chance of survival, there is a lot you can do to nurture it, but first you need to decide if it is something you really want.