The worst has happened to you. After a period of platonic bliss, your friend has procured the dreaded significant other. Now, like the rusty pair of training wheels on a child’s bicycle, you find yourself useless. Unnecessary. Redundant, even.

Not if you play your cards right.

The trick to third-wheeling is mindset. Objectively, being the single friend to chronically coupled-up friends is awful. But once you end the pity party, streamers and all, you begin to see the advantages of third-wheeling. 

First, you need to establish dominance. As a long-standing member of your friend’s fan club, you have seniority over the newcomer. Don’t pull the classic ‘hurt her and I’ll kill you’; it’s cliché. 

Third-wheeling isn’t about being a threatening shadow, but embracing your role as a potential friend or foe. The partner should know their behavior determines your role in their life. 

Then, capitalize on the couple’s euphoria. Sure, you may have taken down the pity party decorations, but there’s no one a happy couple feels worse for than a single person. To them, you’re the living representation of life before the relationship, however lonely that may have been. 

Let them take care of you, the poor single, lonely heart. I’ve had drinks paid for and steaks made for me based on my role as “the single friend,” lost without the magic of romance in my life. However exaggerated that role may be, there’s nothing wrong with accepting a free vodka soda based on the assumption I go home depressed that the bed is empty. 

However, don’t let them set you up. The only thing couples love more than taking care of something, whether it be a houseplant or a person, is setting up their single friends under the illusion they’ll get along. Even in the off-chance there’s a spark, now you’re in a friend group built solely on couples that more likely than not will break up. I’ll tell you from experience, it ends in a dumpster fire. 

Do make friends with the partner’s friends, though. See third, even fifth-wheeling, as a chance to expand your social circle. Oftentimes, especially in the case of male partners, these are people I would’ve never met or spoken to if not introduced. Even if they’re not a potential friend, they’re likely somewhat entertaining. 

Finally, don’t become bitter towards your position. It’s easy to scorn the happiness of couples in your life when you aren’t in one. Find the things you like about the single life, even if you’re someone like myself who thrives most coupled up. Meet life where it is, and allow the couple in your life space to themselves whenever you’re out and about together. 

And if you are in a relationship, it’s okay not to invite your single friend to every outing with your partner. I promise the friendship, if it’s a good one, will survive a date or two alone. 

Sincerely, 

The Third Wheel