Lying in the hospital while recovering from the serious harm he suffered during a horrific self-harm incident that he beamed out to the world on livestream, Perez Hilton has also found himself tragically grappling with shame.

'As I understand it, he is mortified,' a source who has known Hilton for nearly 20 years told the Daily Mail.

But despite that humiliation, the notorious celebrity blogger wants to come face to face with his own shocking viral moment.

'He wants to watch it to see what everybody else saw, but his family knows that would be really bad right now,' the insider said, adding that Hilton 'hasn't seen' the approximately 15-minute video because his relatives are protecting him.

'The family is now protecting him from himself,' the insider said. 'He doesn't need to see his lowest point of his life, especially not this soon afterwards.'

Hilton, 48, was hospitalized last week under Florida's Baker Act, which allows for the temporary involuntary detention of individuals in mental crisis, after horrified TikTok users watched him repeatedly slash at his body with a knife.

He currently does not have access to the Internet, his phone or other electronic devices, but has 'asked about' the video and is said to be 'worried' about the content.

'As I understand it, he asked what people are saying,' the insider said. 

'Right now, everyone is telling him that the world is very supportive of him. We don't want him to see any negative commentary, or what happened. That would be the worst thing possible. What Perez needs is to feel like there are people in his corner. That will give him the strength to go on.'

In truth, if Hilton were to look online, he would find a mixed bag of reactions. 

Some, like America's Next Top Model alum Adrianne Curry, have shown compassion for the father of three despite him allegedly targeting and harassing her 'for years.'

Others callously believe there should be no empathy for Hilton because of his past ruthlessness toward several struggling pop stars like Britney Spears in the early aughts.

After Heath Ledger died from an accidental overdose in 2008, Hilton memorably sold custom T-shirts that featured a photo of the Brokeback Mountain actor and a cruel slogan that read: 'Why couldn't it be Britney?' 

Hilton has since tried to make amends with Spears.

'If he sees the comments that he brought it on himself, or people who wish him harm, that will do more harm than good with him,' the source said. 'He really needs support right now.'

Hilton has historically struggled with nasty comments, finding himself the victim of cruel bullies as a child.

Jorge Perez Jr., his longtime friend, recalled the 'evil' incidents Hilton was subjected to, telling the Daily Mail that the celebrity blogger's infamous takedowns may have been him repeating a cycle of bullying that he was subjected to at an early age. 

'It's not about condoning or justifying, but understanding that, a lot of time, we repeat the trauma that we had,' the Shut The F**k Up Method author explained. 'People were just really evil to him growing up.'

Perez Jr., who was raised in Miami and shares mutual childhood friends with the blogger, said Hilton would deal with 'non-stop' nitpicking from other kids.

He claimed it got to a 'really abusive' level at points, and some of the digs were because quirky Hilton, real name Mario Lavandeira, did not fit in.

'I think when you talk about those schools that are religious-based, if your social conditioning is just a little off, you get it even harder,' Perez Jr. said. 'He was probably just really flamboyant.'

Hilton, who is now openly gay, was closeted as a child. In a 2010 interview, he revealed that he did not come out until his freshman year of college at New York University. 

At age 15, he also dealt with a major loss when his father, Mario Lavandeira Sr., died from a brain aneurysm. In a post on Instagram last year, Hilton described his late dad as a 'sweet, gentle' soul.

According to Perez Jr., the celebrity blogger found 'refuge' in TV and media, which helped him to not feel 'so alone' during times when he was the outcast.

'He became obsessed with TV shows and pop culture; that's the only place where he found peace because he wasn't getting it on a social level from his peers,' Perez Jr. said. 

But something that had been his saving grace soon became the thing people despised him for. Perez Jr. says it was all an act.

'He would always say, "Hey, I'm just putting on a persona. It's just a character that I put on," and I don't know if that was his way of doing it so that he could metabolize life a little simpler for himself,' the mindset mentor said.

For years, Hilton has been trying to rehabilitate his public image by scaling back how aggressively he covered troubled stars.

The inner turmoil even amounted to the blogger considering a move away from tabloid gossip - and delving into a more uplifting lifestyle genre.

'He just wasn't sure that his business team was going to go for it, but he did have an inclination that he wanted to broaden his sensibilities,' Perez Jr. said.

'He opened up about his desire about writing less about gossip. People change. He's getting older. I'm sure he's refining what his interests are, and I think it's a healthy thing to contemplate on changing direction.'

The issue was that the gossip industry proved to be very 'lucrative' for Hilton for years and, at the end of the day, he would 'opt for putting money on the table before anything - for his kids,' according to Perez Jr.

Then, earlier this year, Hilton was forced to confront his demons when he faced a lengthy health battle. He allegedly consumed flu medications on an empty stomach that spiraled into an almost month-long hospitalization and near-fatal sepsis. 

'I think everything really became kind of self-evident for him when he had sepsis a few months ago. He started making these videos and reading the bible, and he started apologizing and saying he was carrying so much guilt,' Perez Jr. said.

Determined to make big changes in his life, Hilton also made the drastic and seemingly abrupt decision to move his family across the country from Las Vegas back to his native Miami.

'I think he really wanted to do something nice for his mom and for his kids to grow up in Miami and be near the Latino culture that they're from,' Perez Jr. said.

However, as Daily Mail has previously reported, insiders have said that Hilton was quietly struggling with the financial pressures of mounting medical bills that clearly had taken a toll, and his multimillion dollar Sin City mansion is still on the market.

According to Perez Jr., Hilton also had to face unexpected 'baggage' from his past when relocating to South Florida.

'You're in Miami, you run into Miami people ... memories, places,' he said. 'When you grow up somewhere where you get picked on and then you have to come back years later, I'm sure your body remembers.'

It seemingly all came to a head on the evening of August 4 when Hilton suffered a mental health crisis and cut himself with a knife repeatedly while on a TikTok livestream. His family has since revealed that his three young children - Mario, 13, Mia, 11, and Mayte, eight - were inside the home just minutes prior.

Alarmed viewers called the authorities, who rushed to the residence. According to dispatch records, the Miami-Dade Sheriff's Office described the incident as a 'suicide attempt.'

Hilton was transported to a nearby hospital, where he is still recovering.  

In a statement posted to Hilton's website, his loved ones shared that the blogger suffered 'significant blood loss' and additional injuries that would require surgery.

A source previously told us that Hilton has since admitted to his mother: 'I need help.'

'Perez knows what happened at least on some level,' said our insider. 'He knows something bad happened, he knows he's in physical pain, and he doesn't remember the incident, but he knows that he did it to himself. He knows it was public, and everybody saw it.'

Hilton 'is smart enough' to know 'how horrible the video must be' in part due to the gravity of his injuries, the source added.

'Right now is the time for him to process getting better.'

Perhaps a bigger source of concern for Hilton at the moment is his young three children.

'He did ask if the kids have seen the video, and they have not, and hopefully never will. He is relieved that they have not seen him at his worst,' the insider said.

Earlier this week, Hilton's 72-year-old mother filed for temporary custody of Mario, Mia and Mayte with the 'voluntary consent' of their father, per court documents.

'She was always the matriarch. I think she's an incredible woman and I think she knows what she's doing,' said Perez Jr., who has spent some time with Hilton, Teresita and the three kids in Los Angeles.

The children have not seen their father since the incident. 

'Right now, only the adults are seeing him,' our source said. 'He is talking on the phone to the kids. He wants to get better, but this is gonna take a long time.'

'This is not a quick fix,' they continued. 'But as it sinks in what he did to himself, there will be a lot of trauma and baggage for him to unpack. Everyone close to him has been warned that he will be very fragile for a long time.'

The Daily Mail has contacted Hilton's representative for comment. 

If you or someone you know needs help in the US, please call or text the confidential 24/7 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline on 988. If you are in the UK, call Samaritans on 116 123 for free. If you are in Australia, call Lifeline 13 11 14 or Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800.