Wrestlers Emil Klank and Pete Rooney showing the counter for a half nelson hold, circa 1910-15. George Grantham Bain Collection in the Library of Congress

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Vancouver newspapers have had no shortage of witty sportswriters. But one of the funniest was anonymous — the guy who wrote wrestling stories in The Vancouver Sun in the early 1930s.

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A classic ran in the July 13, 1931 Sun. The headline was “Roly Poly Bulgarian to Agitate Abie This Week,” with the kicker “Plenty of Squirm Room in Ball Park.”

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“Two of the roly-polyist pachyderms in all the land will struggle on the Klankian mat next Thursday night,” said the opening paragraph.

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“The two big babies who will bruise and berate each other on one-half of the double five round bill there will be Dan Koloff and Abie Kaplan, the large man with the mobile features and the rubber chest.”

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In 1930s sportswriter-speak, a pachyderm was a wrestler. So was a “squirmer.” The “Klankian mat” refers to promoter Emil Klank.

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The ballpark referred to was Athletic Park at 5th and Hemlock, which was built for baseball in 1913 but was also used for many other sports. It was torn down after Capilano Stadium (now Nat Bailey) was built in 1951.

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The slang continued in the July 17 story on the actual wrestling match.

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“Twelve hundred pounds of performing pachydermy tossed, squirmed, and groaned beneath the moth attractors at Athletic Park last night,” said The Sun.

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“Dan Koloff is the original absent-minded professor of grappleology and his dereliction cost him a verdict over the parading peacock from New York, Abe Kaplan.”

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In case you were wondering what a “moth attractor” was, it was the lights at Athletic Park, which had just been the site of Canada’s first night baseball game two weeks earlier, on July 3, 1931.

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There must have been a lot of moths, because The Sun advised that the referees at future outdoor night shows should be equipped with “Flit guns” to dispense insecticide.

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“There’s nothing in the rules allowing referees sweeping away tired moths so that the boys can have a clean place to fall,” read the July 17 story. “Besides, what moth ever deserved such a death as being ironed out by a ponderous pachyderm.”

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Photo of wrestler Dan Koloff in the July 9, 1931 Vancouver Sun.

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The Sun sometimes ran photos of the wrestlers in advance of their bouts. On July 9 the paper ran a sideways shot of Koloff that made “the Bulgarian Lion” look pretty imposing. A headline over top said “Grr-Woof!” and a cutline underneath said Koloff was “more colourful than a Vancouver sunset.”

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Emil Klank was born in 1876 in Chicago. He started off as a wrestler, but his main claim to fame was as the manager of Frank Gotch, who was world heavyweight wrestling champion between 1908 and 1913.

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In 1922, Klank came up to Winnipeg, where he managed Canadian wrestling champion Jack Taylor. By the early ’30s he had settled in Vancouver and was staging weekly bouts at the Denman Arena.