By Jirair Tutunjian, Toronto, 20 June 2026

A recent three-way confidential telephone conversation among Donald Trump, Recep Erdogan, and Ilham Aliyev.

Trump: Gentlemen, due to my round the clock conversations with  Netanyahu, I have little time for other international issues. I will come to the point without wasting time: I don’t appreciate your recent shenanigans.

Erdogan: Mr. President, we regret your discomfort. Please tell us how we have transgressed.

Trump: Do you realize that I can topple you in a second if you continue playing games with me? Don’t forget that I have dozens of nuclear bombs at Inch-er-ling.

Aliyev: Mr. Donald, please tell us what’s wrong.

Trump: I am talking about my highway which will slice southern Armenia. Since it will be built on Armenian soil, Armenians call it Meghri Corridor. But they graciously agreed to re-name it after me…Trump Route for Peace and Prosperity, TRIPP for short. America would have a 99-year lease and exclusive development rights.

Erdogan: Mr. Donald, we know all this.

Trump: Please don’t interrupt me. While TRIPP would develop East-West trade, the major beneficiary of TRIPP would be your two countries. Nicky-Chive-Van enclave will become genuinely part of Azerbaijan although, in fact, the enclave historically belonged to Armenia.

Aliyev: Mr. Donald, I would like to protest your allegation that Nakhchevan belongs to Armenia.

Trump: Ill Ham, you can protest all you want but facts are facts.

Aliyev: The highway will not cross Armenia. It will cross Western Azerbaijan. Armenia is a fictional entity. Its accurate historical name is Western Azerbaijan.

Trump: Ham, Ham, you are once again wasting the time of the most important man in the universe. Here we have an upstart country which is younger than a bottle of Coke claiming to own a country which is almost three thousand year old. Until recently, you were northern Iran but now have the temerity to talk nonsense to me. I find upstarts intolerable.

Erdogan: Mr. Trump, I agree with Mr. Aliyev.

Trump: You do, eh? What would you say if I told you that all the lands from the Gulf of Alexandretta east to the Republic of Armenia rightly belong to the Armenians?

I am angry because both of you have intentionally insulted me. I do not tolerate mouthy upstarts.

Erdogan-Aliyev: How? How?

Trump: You first called the corridor Zing-A-Zur although it will be travelling over Armenian lands. I understand you now refuse to call the highway Tramp Route for Peace and Prosperity and are provocatively calling it Pan-Turkic Highway.

Erdogan: Mr. President, we use the Pan-Turkic Route for domestic consumption.

Trump:So you keep double ledger books. Don’t you see your hypocrisy? One for your bazaar crowd and the other for the United Nations.

Erdogan: That’s called being a politician. Didn’t one of your western writers describe an ambassador as someone who is appointed to lie on behalf of his country?

Trump: Contrary quotations are dime a dozen and so are crooked diplomats. I want to talk about another nuisance which Aliyev has created with Turkish backing. I am talking about Azerbaijan’s demand that 300,000 Azeris, who once lived in Armenia, be allowed to return to Armenia and to recover their possessions.

This is absurd and dangerous talk. Ilham, why don’t you talk about the 500,000 Armenians who had to flee the Azeri pogroms, in addition to the dismissal of 130,000 Armenians from Karabak?

Erdogan: Mr. President, we are NATO allies. Turkey obstructs Russian penetration to the Mediterranean. We allow the installation of your death-and-disease spreading nuclear bombs in our land. Azerbaijan prevents Russian penetration into Iran and is close to the Israelis. These and other friendly gestures by Turkey-Azerbaijan should be respected.

Trump: And some people, with primitive taste buds, love the diabetes-inducing abomination called Turkish Delight.

I have talked long enough. Unless you mend your ways, I will place you in my Dubious Friends’ log book. Enough said. Sabah Khyar, gentlemen.

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