3 min read

Dan Kolbert is a builder in Portland. 

As summer turns to fall, the electoral campaigns in Maine are sure to heat up. Unprecedented sums of money are expected to flow into the state, in an effort to sway people one way or the other. 

As a concerned citizen, I am anxious about the impact of all this spending. My first thought, like many of you no doubt, is “How do I get mine?”

Recently in Dallas, President Trump made his most important electoral reform yet, when he promised to buy our votes. Along with centralizing voter rolls under his control, sending the military to patrol voting sites and withholding funds from Democratic states, he is transforming our country in ways no one could have imagined. It is an exciting time to be a voter in America! 

Unfortunately, he set a price for our votes, and apparently believes that all votes should cost the same. This seems shockingly short-sighted. If, as many analysts think, we hold the key to control of the Senate, shouldn’t we command top dollar for our votes? Does he really think our precious Maine votes are worth the same as those of people from Massachusetts? Fortunately, there is still time before the November elections, so let’s hope that he reconsiders this poorly thought out position. 

We must, however, remain realists. For obscure historical reasons, vote-buying has negative connotations, and it seems likely that we won’t get our promised $5,000 before November. With that in mind, I have assembled a short list of alternatives that, while requiring more effort, promise greater gain for those with a little gumption. 

Start a radio station.

There are a limited number of media outlets in Maine, and it seems likely that the ad budgets will quickly swamp the available slots. Campaigns will be desperate for alternatives. Put a speaker in your window and call it a low-power FM station. Play Chumbawumba’s “I Get Knocked Down” on the hour, every hour, and reserve the remaining 56 1/2 minutes for advertising. 

Form a PAC.

There are plenty of identified groups — anti-abortion, pro-choice, gun rights and so on. But there are thousands of people just waiting for someone to stand up for their interests. Tax deductions for travel hockey teams. Banning lawn mowers on Sundays before 9 a.m. Making weed less smelly. Priority parking for big pickups. Campaigns will be so desperate to pick up a half dozen votes by Halloween that they’ll pull up to your house with truckloads of cash. 

Become a pundit.

The short-lived Graham Platner campaign proved that there’s an insatiable appetite nationally for people who can explain our out-of-the-way state to a nationwide audience. Most people think of us as folks who talk funny and wear Grundens and plaid. Well, lean into it!

Listen to a few hours of Tim Sample and you’ll be able to pull off a 30- second interview on national news without breaking a sweat. Learn how to talk at length without getting to the point. Learn how to pronounce “Wytopitlock.” Pretend you like Moxie. You’ll have mobile TV trucks lined up around the block. 

Those are just a few of the ideas out there. What are yours? Have fun.

As the old saying goes, the personal is political. And there’s nothing more personal than getting paid. Thank you for your attention to this matter!