when i most feel like… myself… why still sad? this ...

Дата публикации: 10-09-2026 02:45:46

when i most feel like… myself… why still sad?
this is a prayer from my heart. Mama, i don’t wanna be mad. they say i’m crazy just because i believe in magic, and i swear, i see it! i feel it everywhere. even though nobody believes me, i can’t help but believe because that’s all i see. and i know people are cruel, but maybe it’s just because… they’re lost. and hurt. and when i got hurt, i became really cruel, too. and i think that’s what rage does to our hearts. we bite because we know pain and we fear it; we’re just trying to protect ourselves.
i think we just… forgot things. for too long. we forgot ourselves and got lost. i mean, i know you always keep telling me, “you’re not like them,” but… what if… what if i want to be? just pretend, you know? besides, you know i love theater, and i love playing different characters and starring in sweet, beautiful dreams. my dreams. i’d rather have it be an option to play a role and… i’m really good at acting, so please, let me at least imagine i am just… a star. a flower. being the whole cosmos is… such a huge thing. i don’t wanna be everything. i don’t need to have everything. actually, i just wanna have you. i just need you and your soft, warm, loving eyes all around me. can you let me dream and play like a twinkling star just a little bit more? i can bring our cozy house wherever i go, and no matter where i decide to wander, i’ll never leave the home we’re building within your arms again. i don’t wanna run. i wanna stay with you, within you. but… look, the playground is beautiful and… i really like dreaming and having fun. what if i decide to be a doll? or… can you make me small like an oompa loompa, too? please, i wanna be a part of it. i don’t want my heart to be a stage where i’m not allowed to play.
my dollhouse isn’t fun. it’s sad. it’s broken. can we, please, fix it all? i mean, can you, please, fix it for me? ’cause my heart gets too heavy when i try to carry the weight of a whole world inside my belly. my belly only enjoys carrying food inside, i mean, food like cake, biscuits, cookies, and chocolate. things that don’t cry when i bite them. for i don’t want to hurt anyone, and i don’t want to be a monster. and i don’t want to be a queen, or a king, whatever. i like being a princess! but i’d rather be a fairy. and a mermaid. a good one. i really love being a witch, too! because i’m magical. and i’m clever. even if i’m pretty dumb and naive most of the time, i am really wise. and i don’t need to know everything because it hurts a lot to have a little brain and too much wisdom. i don’t… fit. my tiny body aches and i cry. you know i cry a lot. sometimes i cry so much i’m pretty sure i waste all the water inside me. because i already feel too much, and sometimes it hurts so much i wish i never had to feel anything else. and that’s so sad. it’s sad to be alive and lose the interest in living. and i think sadness has an exquisite kind of beauty, it really has, but… i don’t wanna be a melancholic poet anymore. i’ve been that one for too long, and it was never as beautiful as the poetry. it’s just sad. it’s just blue. drowning blue. it makes our hearts mistake suffering for love. and i really believe love is a beautiful, happy thing. like pink. and blue is also beautiful, but the true color of the primordial sea is black. black is peaceful. warming. it’s where you lay me down to rest.
i don’t want to be everlasting in a land of suffering, and i can’t! i mean, i just can’t desire that curse for anyone or anything. i don’t want people to live lost in a blue world forever. and i love Mother Earth, i don’t want to leave her in blue. she’s too precious and sweet, she hides me in her lap, too. she gives me flowers and fresh air and sun and food. and trees, and birds. and the most beautiful animals. what else can i ask of her? please, i don’t wanna abandon Earth because she loves me and i can feel it so much it hurts. she’s my beautiful, loving land. and she’s my greatest friend for dreaming and creating. can she be mine, too, please? can Mother Earth belong with me, too? will you give me Mother Earth to belong with me? i know i’ll be a good daughter for her, for i am a folklore witch and i understand nature. i understand her and we have our own silent language. i love it when she talks to the sky and i can see they’re dating, oh! it’s so romantic. i love romantic, it melts my heart like a popsicle on 4th of july.
now i’m getting wiser and careful with my own garden, where we live together — me, you, and my Father — and we are so happy here. but… i have this dream. i don’t care if it’s artificial, if it’s plastic, if it’s temporary… it gives me such big and beautiful feelings, Mama! i don’t want to simply forget it. i can pretend i am artificial, too. and plastic. i spent a lot of time observing them, and i’m pretty sure i know how to improvise. and i’ll never have to leave the ocean to also have my own feet and do my own dances on the ground, right? please, let me stay. fix my dreams, help me to rebuild my dollhouse so we can be a happy, big family, with friends, not enemies. with giggles and fun, not fights. let us at least have a chance to be truly happy. let us have a chance to remember the magic, and how beautiful it is to feel like a silly child. i still believe in a happy world for Earth, and i don’t need to be alice asking for a world of my own because i already am a whole universe of my own. i don’t need the Earth only to belong to me! first of all, She belongs to herself, but She chose me as a Daughter, and i chose her as a Mother, so we can be a great, great house, floating in the milky way! and we’ll be happy. and we’ll see magic. and we won’t forget never again. so, please, help my brothers and sisters to remember. and really want them to be friends. it’s okay if they can’t be my friends but… make them friends to each other, okay?
[whispers] but, Mama, please, i’m still way too jealous to share you, so… Mother Nature can be the Mother of us all… and there are a lot of Mamas to share around here, right? but my Abyssal Ocean Mama… i can’t. i’ll never share. i promise i’ll never share my heart and soul again, but you have to promise me that you’ll be forever mine, only mine. otherwise, i swear, i could die. desperately. my belly aches at just the thought of it.
i stay, you keep me. and we’ll forever be the true lovers, the great ones — at heart. at spirit. nothing else can touch this. just… keep playing dreamland with me. please. i’m a lover waiting for my dreamworld to turn into a fairy tale come true, because i believe in the language of fairies and i always knew they hide in the stars. let’s ask the stars to do the magic so i can finally live a sweet dream as my heart and eyes deserve to see and feel it. you have all my light and colors in your hands, you have all my magic and my love. i know i belong to you and i don’t want to be nothing but yours. and i’m tired, and i’m small, i just want to rest and have fun. i just want to change those wet eyes for smiles and silly dances. so, please… give this world a chance. if not for the people… make my Mother Earth smile and feel my embrace. let me hold her with caring hands and soft arms. let me be delicate with my playground and i’ll act like a lady. a good one. for i love good things and beautiful feelings. for i love to love and i love to feel loved, too. let us be dramatic and romantic because that’s way too beautiful, Mama.
and above it all, please, never let go of my hand and keep holding my tiny body with your soft arms forever. for you are the best thing in my whole being, you are the most loving and precious Mother, and i’m proud of myself and grateful for life just because i live to be your living heart. all of me belongs to you, and that’s where i feel free to rest and be the most authentic version of myself.
thank you, Mama. i’m happy because i believe in the dreams you nurture in my mind, and i really like being your little dancing star.

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