An unfortunate truth of journalism is that occasionally, and embarrassingly, incorrect information is reported. It’s exceedingly rare, but it’s of the utmost importance for publications to correct their errors as soon as possible.

On Aug. 4, I wrote a story titled “The 10 biggest douchebags in country music,” where I listed a group of country artists known for their moral lapses. Unfortunately, I ranked Kid Rock third. Since then, he wrote a Bible-length dissertation about me on X, government name and all, where he accused me of stealing another journalist’s work. I’m now moving his ass up to the top slot in perpetuity. 

Normally, I wouldn’t care what Kid Rock tweets. But the artist’s post has inspired a slew of articles by various writers (I hesitate to call them journalists) who regurgitated his accusations without any research or fact-checking. One in particular described me as “a plagiarizing journalist,” which is untrue and reckless. Worse than that, they wrote that I don’t listen to country music, when I do a damn good karaoke version of The Chicks’ “There’s Your Trouble.” (It brings down the house every time, FYI.) Confessionally, I do not listen to Kid Rock, but that’s because I have taste, not because I dislike country music.

I feel the need to break this all down.

“The Mayor of Awesomeville,” as he calls himself, starts by saying: “If I stopped to respond to every miserable blogger, failed cultural referee and bargain-bin music critic who used my name for clicks, I’d never have time to make music.”

To which I say, do I need to write more articles about him? If that’s what I need to do for the betterment of society, then I volunteer. 

He goes on to tag my writer profile on the Phoenix New Times, one of our sister publications, where he thinks I am employed. I am not. Sometimes, when stories are really successful, all Voice Media publications (including this one, Denver’s Westword and Miami New Times) will share a story among themselves. I have three stories published in Phoenix New Times along with a biography that clearly states I am a writer at the Dallas Observer. 

Robert “Kid Rock” Ritchie, or Bobby as I like to call him, since apparently we’re on a first-name basis now, considers many of his top 10 douche-brethren close friends. Shocking. He got a kick out of the article, actually. In his words: “All’s fair in love, war and cheap listicles.” Got that right, Bobby. 

But here’s where things take a turn for the worse. Robert (I’m mad at him) claims I have copied the story. In truth, the list is what we in the biz call an “evergreen.” It’s essentially a story with no time-sensitive information that can therefore be updated many times over. Here are some words from one of our senior editors, Kelly Dearmore, explaining the strategy: 

Evergreen stories play a major role at the Observer. These sorts of stories provide newspapers and websites like ours with useful, relevant content that is, we hope, enlightening and entertaining long after it is originally published, unlike traditional news items that typically have a shorter shelf life.”

The initial story, as Robert properly states, was published in 2014 by a writer named Mike Seely. I like Mike. I know I like Mike because on Aug. 6, he kindly requested we take his name off the evergreen. Mike’s 2014 list was 727 words; mine is 1,658 words. In total, roughly 30 words of Mike’s original story remained unedited. We obliged his request because we found it wholly fair.

The list was read by so many people, actually, that we decided to run it in our sister papers. When the Phoenix New Times republished the story, they left Mike’s original copy up too, and it is by this small human error that Kid Rock decided I was the scum of the journalism world, to the agreement of famed sore-loser Kari Lake and some poor individual going by @TheLoneJimbo, who seemingly existed in a parallel universe where “Kid Rock” and “once in a lifetime musical prodigy” belonged in the same sentence. I’d like a fact-check on that, Jimbo.

I sent the tweet to Mike, to which he said: “What a fucking douchebag. His entire screed does more to validate your article than the article itself.” You heard it here, folks.

I didn’t ask, but I’m certain Mike would update his 2014 list to rank Bobby Shazam first, too. The good news is that our list of the top 10 douchebags will probably be updated in another 12 years, and maybe 12 years after that, and on each one, Kid Rock will place first.

Bobby (I’m cooling down) continues on a random tangent about his testimony before Congress about Ticketmaster’s price gouging, which happens to be the subject of one of my few other stories at Phoenix New Times. Perhaps I should be grateful he hasn’t discovered the rest of my work. Either way, he’s mad we didn’t write about his specific testimony.

“So why didn’t Alyssa Fields mention it? Politics? Laziness? Bias? I can’t read her mind — but I can read her article. The result is incomplete journalism that conveniently serves a very familiar narrative … Kid Rock sits before Congress, identifies the problems and proposes actual reforms? Suddenly the newsroom runs out of ink.” 

Hey, buddy, I didn’t include you in the story because, believe it or not, the writer of “You Never Met a Motherf**ker Quite Like Me” isn’t exactly the pinnacle of artists’ rights advocates. And while we’re at it, no respectable journalist “secretly know[s] every damn word to ‘Bawitdaba,”’ and most definitely not I.

Bobby finishes his 1,230-word tweet (by comparison, this correction piece you’re reading isn’t even 1,230 words) with quite possibly the most poignantly perfect ending to this whole thing. 

“And before you comment, ‘Don’t waste your time on these haters,’ understand this: I didn’t,’” ChatGPT apparently writes. “I had AI help me check the facts, create the links, check the grammar and handle the other tedious shit. As a songwriter, putting a few words together to rip someone — or the media — a new asshole is easy as pie for me!”

Coincidentally, a review of Kid Rock’s performance at the Super Bowl protest concert is likely to be one of the Observer’s most-read music stories of this year. So, actually, Kid Rock is perhaps one of the greatest supporters of local newsrooms, specifically ours. We love our fans. If you want my attention, Bobby, instead of tweeting my government name to your 1.3 million followers, you can just donate to our newsroom. If you sign up as a member, I’ll hand-write a “Thank you” letter. We in print journalism appreciate the extra eyes, douche.