By Dan Savage - Jun. 13, 2024

1. I hooked up during a lunch break. While I was sucking on a dude's titties with his encouragement, he started sucking on my neck. I shook him off as soon as I realized what he was doing, but an hour later my office bathroom mirror revealed a prominent hickey. This is a major party foul, right? Like, a borderline consent violation? How pissed at this random dude do I have a right to be? 

I’m reluctant to slap the “consent violation” label on this — no need to get the authorities involved — but giving an adult a hickey is inconsiderate and juvenile, and you have every right to be pissed. 

2. How to get over feeling self-conscious about poop during anal when my partner doesn’t care? 

It’s a butt — as I’m sure you’re aware — and regular butt stuff (it’s an exit) sometimes derails irregular butt stuff (it’s an entry). Take fiber supplements, douche, only have anal when you feel like you're good to go, and if the worst should happen, jump in the shower and pivot to something else.  

3. Do you think masc/masc is a toxic gay identity? 

Not necessarily. Some masc guys — gay and straight — are insecure and overcompensating assholes, of course, but a masculine gender presentation isn’t always an act, and it’s rarely an attack on anyone else. Just as femme can be a guy’s authentic gender expression, masc can be a guy’s authentic gender expression; just as someone can be genuinely attracted to femme-presenting partners, someone can be genuinely attracted to masc-presenting partners. 

4. I’m a bi assigned male at birth 26-year-old nonbinary person who moved back in with my verbally abusive mom after college. Things with her came to a boiling point, so I moved in with my partner of six months. They're 100% supportive and caring, but I'm worried about putting too much pressure on our new relationship. It's the best relationship I've ever been in, and I don't wanna ruin it, but I can't afford my own place and I can’t move back in with my mom. What do I do? 

Six months is too soon to move in with a new partner — but what other choice do you have? If there are no sublets or roommate situations you can afford in your area and you can’t move home, you’ll have to accept your new partner’s generosity. Find ways to take the pressure off by spending time with other friends, giving your partner plenty of space and plenty of head. 

5. Me and my wife are in this cycle where the sex drops off from once a week to once a month due to her not feeling sexy due to body image issues. We talk, I reassure her, we go back to having sex once a week, and then the cycle repeats. Any advice on how to break the cycle? 

If body image is the issue, offer regular reassurance — not just when the sex drops off —and make sure your wife has time for solo activities that make her feel comfortable in her own skin. And broadening your definition of sex to include non-PIV options and/or asking your wife to help you have a wank once in a while (without any pressure to upgrade to intercourse) and/or offering to go down on your wife (ditto) might also help.

Email your question for the column to [email protected] or record your question for the Savage Lovecast at savage.love/askdan. Podcasts, columns and more at Savage.Love

Jul. 2, 2025

We were deep into talking politics and music when I glanced at our table at Cirrus Social Club and noticed the tall glass bong sitting next to the caprese toast and a glass of sparkling water. I had ...

Jun. 26, 2025

I’m going through a divorce and connected with a long-ago boyfriend in a similar boat. We started a long-distance relationship and were fairly serious.  His particular kink is he wants his part...

Jun. 26, 2025

ARIES (March 21-April 19): The Hawaiian word pō refers to a primal darkness from which all life flows. It’s not a fearsome void, but a fertile mystery, rich with future possibilities and the ances...

Jun. 17, 2024@10:56pm

So-called “dark money” has entered the…

Jun. 12, 2024@10:13pm

Picture in your mind’s eye the…

Jun. 12, 2024@9:29pm

Movement Workshop6:30-7:30 p.m. Thursday, June 13,…