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Shut up! Stop fidgeting! Take that **@_!!_ smirk off your face! Yes, Celebrity SAS: Who Dares Wins is back. And the first episode contained a harsh lesson to anybody whose agent has their eye on next year's show.

In the opening moments, there's a bit where the contestants explain what they're hoping to achieve. As former Health Secretary Matt Hancock might have said last year: 'I'm hoping not to get shoved in a lake then punched in the head by Jermaine Pennant.'

Celebs, be warned: what you say might come back to haunt you.

The big name this year is John Barrowman, best known for Doctor Who and Torchwood. A couple of years ago, he was accused of exposing himself on set, and joined Celebrity SAS to salvage his career.

'I want people to see the kind of person I really am,' he said.

That didn't go entirely to plan. He lasted just half an hour before walking off the set and the series. So much for Who Dares Wins.

That left 14 people on the condensed version of special forces training at a location in New Zealand. Apparently weedy Britain just isn't rugged enough.

The early signs weren't encouraging. There were terrified shrieks as the group were driven to the set along a narrow mountain pass, even though Top Gear has negotiated narrower with barely a whimper.

Before Barrowman bailed out, the candidate least likely to survive the course was TOWIE's Bobby Norris. As he made his way to the first challenge, shuffling across two poles susp-ended above a ravine, he was shaking like a jelly with a caffeine overdose.

'Let's do this,' bellowed the instructor, 'because it's as boring as **** watching you shake on the ladder.' I've cleaned up that sentence for anybody reading before the nine o'clock watershed.

He was then sick in the truck going back to base, and went straight to the bottom of the class. But the instructors were surprisingly sympathetic, and are clearly determined to pull him through. The SAS do like a challenge.

Teacher's pet was Rachel Johnson, who at 59 is the oldest contestant. She coped well on the poles, reaching the middle stage before collapsing in an undignified heap. (The only person to get across, by the way, was Ellie Downie, but so she should — she's a champion gymnast.)

Rachel was first to be called for an interview without coffee — as they say in the Army — with the instructors. 'How do you feel about being shouted at?'

'I don't mind,' she said. 'I like a real man. I live in woke, liberal, leftie London.' If you can't beat them, flirt with them.

But she didn't do so well on the next task: bursting into a wooden hut to rescue a hostage. It is my solemn duty to report that the hostage did not emerge unscathed. Mainly because she shot him.